The "Why Me"s

I knew it would come at some point.  That feeling of "WHY ME". Why do I have to go through this?!  Why does MY daughter have this.  Why does this have to suck so much.  Why did I get dealt this card in life? And further more, why can't I take all this away from my daughter so she can have a better life?!?  I am feeling discouraged and a little depressed tonight.  Lily has been through so much, and I have to be there for her every second.  Hold her hand through the painful things, and watch her scream and cry.  I can't take much more, it's wearing me down.  Her surgery had so many parts to it, and I feel like we've had to deal with all of them even after the surgery too.  There's been complication after complication, and the team has told me, "we expected a few with how complex her procedure was".  Great, thanks, that doesn't make me feel any better.  We have made it passed most of the problems now, but because of that it bought us an extra week in the hospital.

Today unfortunately was more bummer news.  Lily's belly button (that they created and that she will be cathing through) has not been healing very well.  It kind of opened up and is having some gross leakage.  It's not very pretty to look at either.  We've had wound care come and look at it, and they've been treating it with special bandages.  Today we had a visit from a plastic surgeon here at the hospital who wanted to take a look.  He works with Dr G a lot in fixing scars and cosmetic stuff from all the surgeries these kids have. After looking at it, he would like to clean it out and close it back up, which would require another visit to the OR. He said he could do it this Friday. He was extremely nice, with a British accent which makes everything sound better, and did make me feel like this was the best decision.  But obviously I'm extremely frustrated.  I should get a punch card from the anesthesiologists, maybe a buy 3 get the 4th free!?!!  They assured me that it's a fast 1 hour procedure and not too invasive.  It's more that at this age she's much too sensitive to do this awake with a local anesthetic, so they need to put her to sleep and fix it up.  Obviously the side effects of this much anesthesia is very worrisome to me.  So so so so frustrating.  And what's most frustrating with all this is WHY are so many things going wrong?! Why did HER belly button decide to not heal right.  As well as all the other things we've had to go through.  Its not fair!!  So yeah I'm mad and pissed and wanting to get out of the hospital.  But I guess we know that we'll at least be here through next weekend.  Benny and the boys get here on Monday night.  I assume we'll still be in the hospital, but man I wanted to be out by then.  So now I'm just hoping we'll be out by Thanksgiving at this point.  Then there's the thought and assumption that me and Lily will probably have to be here in Baltimore longer now because of all this.  So as much as I'd like to think that we'll be on that plane home on Dec 12th, it's a little optimistic.

There's my rant tonight.  Of course I am grateful for many many things, but I just needed to vent again about the crappy things.  It's my only way to get it out here.